


Sweets

by yuletide_archivist



Category: The Young Ones (TV 1982)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-12-22
Updated: 2004-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-25 05:19:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1633601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vyvyan tries to make a liar out of Rick. Slash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sweets

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Augustus

 

 

_Happy holidays, Augustus! I hope this is as much fun to read as it was to write._

Rick skipped excitedly into the kitchen, holding a box. "Everyone, look!" he exclaimed. "Somebody's left a box of sweets on our doorstep!"

"Oh, no!" Neil lamented. "Last week it was dog poo, and now refined sugar. Heavy."

"Oh, shut up, hippie," Rick said, pulling a face at Neil, who glared back briefly and then returned to sulking. "I've got loads of swee-eets!" he sang. "Hands up, who wants one?" he said, holding the box over his head and shaking it.

Mike and Vyvyan put their hands up, and Neil continued sulking, muttering to himself about people bringing him down.

"Oh, we'd like to have a sweet, would we, Mike and Vyvyan?" Rick said coyly, hugging the box to his chest.

"Yes, Rick, we haven't had any bloody food in this house for days, thanks to Vyvyan blowing up the refrigerator," Mike said.

"I did _not_ blow up the refrigerator!" Vyvyan exclaimed. "I was only trying to heat up some breakfast for myself!"

"With a flaming rag soaked in petrol?" Mike asked.

"Worked, didn't it?" said Vyv with a smug grin.

"I don't know about you, Vyvyan, but I don't fancy having to scrape my rashers off the ceiling," Mike said, ignoring the fact that Rick was dancing about with the box and waving his arms.

"I personally thought the plaster added a rather nice flavour, and-- RICK, WOULD YOU STOP PONCING ABOUT WITH THAT BOX AND GIVE US A BLOODY SWEET BEFORE I SHOVE IT UP YOUR STUPID GIRLY BOTTOM?!"

"Oh, you'd like a sweet, then? Would you really? Would you like for me to share my lovely box of sweets with you?" Rick said, waggling his fingers over the box.

"YES!" Vyvyan and Mike both shouted.

"All right," Rick said, standing up very straight and grinning. "Then you each have to say something nice about me."

"What, now?" said Mike, looking perplexed. "Can't you give us a few days' grace?"

"Yes, now!"

"All right, Rick," Vyvyan said, thinking for a moment. "You're... less smelly than Neil!" he declared proudly. "Right, where's my sweet?"

Rick pouted and sneered. "Oh, come on Vyvyan, you can do better than that! Neil's quite possibly the smelliest person in the world."

"Least I'm good at something, I suppose," Neil said with a woebegone look.

"Oh, come on, Rick, it's the nicest thing I could think of!" Vyvyan exclaimed.

"You could say something like, 'Rick, you're the handsomest, smartest person in the--'"

Vyvyan punched him in the stomach and snatched the box away from him. "HA!" he shouted. "And by the way, you're a complete bastard and I hate you." He grabbed one of the little cellophane packets and popped it in his mouth, wrapper and all. He chewed for a moment, then spat the wrapper back out into his hand. "Hmm, orange. Not bad. Bit rubbery, but--" he finally took a good look at the wrapper. "Rick, you stupid bogey-bum!" he shouted, kicking Rick in the shins. "That's not a box of bloody sweets you've brought in, it's a box of condoms!"

"They're for me, then," Mike said, grabbing the box out of Vyvyan's hands.

"Ooer, condoms?" Rick said.

"Yes, Rick, condoms! How could you possibly mistake a box of condoms for a box of sweets?" Mike replied, pawing through the box.

"Cos Rick's a girl!" Vyvyan taunted. "A virgin girl at that!"

"I am not! It's only that I... I've got to use the extra-large ones, so I didn't recognise them."

Vyvyan snorted. "Virgin girl, virgin girl!"

"STOP IT!" Rick shouted, covering his ears and humming a Cliff Richard tune to block out the shouting.

Vyvyan chased him from the kitchen and up the stairs, shouting, "Virgin girl, virgin girl, spotty swotty virgin girl!"

Neil looked after them and stood up. "I think I'll go out to the back garden and kill myself."

"Don't forget to do the washing-up when you get back," Mike said, already having gone back to his newspaper.

"Right," Neil called as he walked out. "Off to kill myself now. No more Neil. Bye-bye forever."

"Yes, Neil, have a nice time," Mike said absently.

Upstairs, Vyvyan was in the process of wrestling Rick to the floor, screaming "virgin girl" taunts while Rick screamed back in protest.

"Vyvyan, stop it! I hate you, you utter bastard!" Rick screeched, kicking ineffectually at Vyvyan.

"Just admit you're a spotty swotty girly virgin, Rick, and I might let you go!" Vyvyan's elbows were crushing his ribs and Rick was only just fighting off a nipple twister.

"Bugger off!" He got a grip on Vyvyan's hips and tried to throw him off, but to no avail. "You already bloody well know I'm a virgin, but I'm not a bloody girl!"

"HA! So you admit it!"

"I admitted it ages ago, remember?"

Vyvyan stopped trying to strangle him, and sat back on Rick's stomach. He scratched his head. "No."

"It was that day after that party," Rick said, struggling to breathe. "Oh, blast it!" He said after a moment. "I think we're going all wobbly!" The world wavered, and they were plunged into the past.

_"Oh, no! Vyvyan!" Rick screamed. "No! Please! You were right and I was wrong! I am a virgin!"_

But it was only a moment before everything went blurry again, and they were back.

"Phew!" Rick said.

"I hate it when they do that," said Vyvyan.

"Did you just agree with me?"

"No."

"Yes, you did."

"No I didn't. I was talking about the peasants."

"Vyvyan?"

"What?"

"You're still sitting on me."

"So?"

"Well, in case you hadn't noticed," Rick said, exasperated, "we've now established for the second time that I'm a virgin, so if you wouldn't mind..."

Vyvyan smirked. "That's not my bloody job!"

Rick rolled his eyes. "I meant if you wouldn't mind getting off me." Vyvyan didn't move. "Are you deaf?"

"Bit, yeah," Vyvyan said. "One too many harpoons to the eardrum."

"I don't even want to know."

They stared at each other for a moment, not saying anything. Rick noticed in spite of himself, for the first time, that Vyvyan's eyes were blue. He was beginning to feel a bit... uncomfortable. And not in a usual being-assaulted-by-Vyvyan way. More of a better-find-a-book-to-put-in-my-lap way.

"Extra-large, eh?" Vyvyan said, and slid back so that he was sitting on Rick's knees. "Let's see, then."

Rick tried to swat Vyvyan's hands away from the button on his trousers. "I beg your pardon!" he exclaimed, but his breath hitched.

"I only want to see how much of a bloody liar you are," Vyvyan muttered, struggling with the zip until he finally got it open. Their eyes met briefly. "Not a girl after all," Vyvyan said, in a tone Rick had never heard him use before.

"I told you," Rick said, doing his best not to gasp as Vyvyan slowly slid his y-fronts down. He laughed nervously. "What are you-- oh!" Vyvyan was looking at him so, so strangely, and Rick's knees ached from the weight on them, but _oh_ , he'd never realised someone else's hand could make such a difference.

"You don't like it?" Vyvyan said, still with that strange look on his face.

"I-- ah! I thought you hated me."

"Never said I didn't," said Vyvyan, and leaned over to kiss him.

Rick froze for a moment, shocked. And then the strange reality set in that Vyvyan was _kissing_ him, and even stranger, he liked it. He stopped protesting and kissed back, moaning into Vyvyan's mouth as he stroked him faster. Vyvyan moved, rolling onto his side to lie next to Rick without missing a beat. Rick didn't last long, biting Vyvyan's lip as he came.

Neither of them moved for a moment. They just lay there looking at one another. Rick started to reach for Vyvyan, but he stood up.

"What about you?" Rick asked, fumbling his trousers back up and wondering if he was going to be sorry.

"Later," Vyvyan said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He reached down and helped Rick up off the floor. "Just remember," he said, transforming back into something more closely resembling the Vyvyan he was used to, "I still hate you." But he was grinning.

Rick stepped forward daringly and gave him a quick kiss. "And you're still a complete bastard."

It couldn't have done much harm, because Vyvyan still had that crooked grin on his face. "Swot."

"Fascist."

_The End_

 

 

 


End file.
